A gory double-feature

From Nick at Nite . . . of course

Hostel 2. Consider this a public service announcement. Do not go see this movie. It is depraved and debaseless. It has no redeeming quality. That said, for some reason I allowed this movie into my Blockbuster queue and watched it on delivery. Why did I watch it? My only explanation - I watched it because I am a sucker for sequels and "knowing what happened next." In short, the same premise as the last movie. Rich men and women bid for the rights to torture and kill unsuspecting young people lured to a hostel located behind the old iron curtain. The ending is a unique twist, it is quite shocking. I don't know how most people even get to the ending. To get to the end of the movie you must sit through a gory, depraved scene that was so gory and depraved that I was stunned this movie is rated "R," I cannot believe anything more than a "C" list actor would be in it, and I am a little embarrassed to say I saw it. If you must watch this film, I recommend watching the first ten minutes and then fast-forwarding to the end ... you'll see the bad guy get his just deserts, but won't have to watch all the crap to get there. I give it "U," for unwatchable.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Is there anything left to tell here? In each film in this series, a crazy dude with a chainsaw and strange family kills everyone that gets trapped in their creepy farm house. Sometimes it looks like someone might get away. They never do. I recommend this movie to no one. If you have seen any of the films in the series, just think about it for a minute and it will be like you saw this movie. Consider this my Christmas gift to you ... I am giving you the hour and a half that it would have taken you to sit through this film. I give it a "F."